Sunday, March 3, 2013

Gamophobic No More!

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Jim Morrison 

Time to get out of my pretentious fearless image. Today, I'll make my CONFESSION and let my fear melt on the spotlight! :)

I once was a girl who fell madly, deeply, head over heels in love. I played the role being the first love, the heart breaker, the ultimate crush, the stalker and the mistress. I also experienced a you-and-me-against-all-odds tale. Fought my love over my family, my friends and had an inner battle with the half of myself. I knew back then that I was wrong, yet, I pursued the wilderness because it was not totally the "wilderness" in my mind that time! Had lived out of insanity puppy love. 
I even made my story a mixture of romance and TRAGEDY! This unhealthy mixture is so common for teenagers who see exciting things by doing dangerous ones! But this is, again, unhealthy! Sometimes, people still dare to continue loving people even though from the start they already saw the unwanted ending of the story. The ending of taking risks of being committed to the unofficial relationships, to others' relationships and to relationships which you had for the sake of having relationship created one of the greatest fear I have now. Fear in loving again! Or if in a relationship, fear in facing the same sad ending I had.

Fear of loving again...

Over thinking the reasons why past links didn't worked out right has left an urging force in me not to have another chapter in my semi-romantic, semi-tragic love book. I was decided back then. I dumped guys who said they love me. The stereotype excuses that I am still waiting, that I wasn't ready for another priority to hand, that I don't deserve someone his type, are given often. One must give a beautiful lie to cover up something loathsome! I did. But who I was fooling aside from myself? :D

To fear love doesn't directly falls under blaming love. It is the fatal combination of my experiences and the worries and the responsibilities and pressures knotted with the desire to love just gone bad! Basta, I'm not pointing my fingers on love for the misfortune in relationships.

Fear of having the same ending...

But I gave love another chance...
A man started to be seriously chasing after my heart. And... after God's heart! He's my Don! (He's means He was... not He is! LOL.) Then... It started and it ended! BOOM! No matter what the reason was, that break up increases the heights of my fear. But I admit that my fear in love after the heartbreak i had in a 5-year relationship played big part on my relationship with Don. I was afraid of rejection too. rejection of his family about my past, belittlement of his ex lover who he technically left after he knew i love him too. Scared for too many things, I created barriers on my world, on our world. Much to my surprise, I acted differently towards him. Conscious as ever of what to say, act, feel when with him. I pretended somehow. I changed my ways, myself because my mind says that it's about me why we ended up wrongly... So if I was changed, there will be difference. And still this fear cling on belt!

This year, many dreams of happily ever after will start another chapter as they walk through the aisle, say their vows, and recite "I DO". Wedding is too mainstream for 2013. 5 weddings ahead. 5 weddings to watch over. 5 couples to share lifetime together. I believed in marriage, in commitment, in forever... Yet, somehow I realized that I don't see myself in the bride's shoes. I laughed at myself when I often cried watching other's wedding without knowing if I shed tears because the vows were too touching or if because I'll never have the courage to risk my life with uncertainty of eternity. Joanna Bernice Sales is too scared to trust herself with someone, too afraid to be happy foreseeing the possible torture of break ups and separations, too protective of her last name! That's her. That's who I was.

But today, upon exposing this truth, I also lay my fears behind with my past. Love is so good, so pure, so positive to mismatch with fears and pain. I am willingly open myself to experience love from the most reliable source of it. I will love again, for He loved me first. I am giving Love my whole heart. I am ready to knot what is left of me to the Eternal Lover of my soul. And to set aside my own will so He may lead me to "man" who will join me to intensify my relationship with Him. I am free to love. I am giving off my bondage to the fear who caged my heart for long. Today, I WILL START TO LOVE YOU LORD. And won't expect to meet break up nor cool off! PERFECT LOVE CAST AWAY ALL FEARS :) 

No comments: