Wednesday, September 25, 2013

What I've learned from HER.

There is no experience like having children… if you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being and learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children. –Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

When Yosandra Dnysz came into my life, the truth be told, it was not the best experience I had. Not to mention that it was the day when typhoon Ondoy danced back and forth in the country leaving outrageous damages and deaths and many stories/memories of survival. September 26, 2009… still I was too young, too incapable to be a mom, also many would agree that I was still a baby myself. It is not the experience I will be bragging about in friends’ get together. It is a time vacuum thing to have a child. You wanted to go on with your life and make your dream a reality. Oh well, yes you still can but you are definitely not going to have the journey alone. You’ll have the extra baggage, extra effort, extra pushing and all the extras needed for the two of you to survive. Having her is not the best experience… Not YET!

I gave birth to Yosh in the age of 17. HAHAHA! I thought I was ready. I thought everything is going to be fine. And it is an easy task to raise a child since I am always in love with children and I always do some nanny role with others’ children. I realized that it is so different compared when you are to take care of your own child. Taking care of others’ kiddo is just like a JOB TRAINING. You can experience part of having the job, you will know how it feels like to be on the position and you will learn from the things you handle, you need approval for the higher ups for every action you wanna do. But having the job for real is not the same as you were training. You take the full responsibility in your hands. So, it is not easy. Motherhood is never easy.

But despite all my pandemonium complains of having her so early, I won’t wish of losing her now. Nor will I make things different if I can. I will still have her. I will still be a mom for her.

Talk about regrets, I had them. I knew it was not a wise idea to commit with this kind of responsibility at a young age. But regretting is just a waste of time. You won’t change things by thinking the what-ifs in life. If you want change, it is never too late. All may be delayed, but all your wishes will happen if you act to make it happen.

Many things had changed since Yosh came, both good and bad. But if you are thinking that bad things over numbered the good… you’re wrong, it is the other way around.

Did you know how dangerous your life can be if don’t have dreams to pursue? If you’re dreams are not big enough and do not need much of the efforts to fulfill it? If you settle for the things you have because you seemed to be having such an easier life compared to the miserable ones? Before she came, I was that kind of person. I was walking thru a path without a destination. I was contented of being happy with what my parents got for me, without realizing that someday I got to be on my own. Well, maybe I thought of being on my own, yet I was not preparing for it. I was not investing on the right things for the future. I was studying just for the sake of studying. This was a shame for me. Because I didn’t have an idea of what I want for the future me, I don’t care enough to mold a better being nor tried the best to excel for what I was trying to do. Just to get through of the day, without living the fullest and without being proud of what I did. I wasted my years, leaving nothing worth looking back. I had nothing to be proud of. No honors, no achievements, no legacies, just days passed by and luckily… still BREATHING. And for long years, it’s not obvious for anyone that I am living for nothing. It is because I also did not recognize that before. I could write long essays when the occasional “How do you see yourself 10 years from now?” writing entry for school thingy. I could give a beautiful speech if you ask me about it. But it was just empty words from the empty heart and mind. I had nothing because I was too comfortable of my life which my mom had given for me. I never thought it is possible for someone to live without dreaming, but it is. I was like that. I was… until Yosh’s arrival filled fuel for me to achieve something. It happened that I said to myself, “I have to prove myself for this little one.”

Things were not easy, but at least I am giving a damn for everything I took for granted. Tsunamis of adversities touched roughly my core of strength when my mom met her own challenges in health. And my mom was and still is the source of income of the family. So financially beaten my family is. This is the shakiest part of the journey so far. Not because of money, not just that. It deals with my mom’s life where everyone else’s life depends on. But not thinking of that too, I believe a child wants to see her parents in their healthiest state. That’s what we all want for our parents regardless of what they have or don’t have. Their lives are the top priority. You don’t want to lose anyone you love. We almost felt the fear. And indeed, it’s the best horror I don’t wish anyone to go through. Ehy, this is getting long. All I want to say is life threw something which turned our situation from easy to not.

Lessons tripled their impact when you got it from someone you don’t expect. In my case… my little one makes me learn my lessons well. Unknowingly, she is doing a great job. :D

What I’ve learned from Yosh is an endless list. And the mentoring is not yet over… we’re not even far from the beginning.

Troubles came and passed and came back and leave again and return from time to time. They often told that problems do come to make you strong… I don’t know how strong I am now. HAHAHA. But I am not to give in to you, problem. Because I know someone is watching over me when waves tries to crash me. She taught me how to be strong and pretend to be strong!! HAHAHA!! I was caught crying by her one time when I felt like the world threw its weight on my shoulder. Yosh asked me why I was crying. I just smiled and hug her then she cried with me. But she cried her heart out which made me laugh at the end thinking she just stole my moment to emote! So I promise never to share that negative vibes with her ever again. No more stealing. *wink*

And ironically, the one who taught me how to be strong is also he one who showed me that it’s okay to admit you’re weak, that you can’t take the burdens anymore, that you are incapable of doing some things. When you admit your weakness that’s the only way you open doors for some help. I remember the time when I ask her to right the vowels. Which I thought would be very easy to her because she can write “S” effortless. Minutes later, I thought she was done yet nothing was written. Not a single “A”. I asked her, (SHOUTED, hahaha.) why she didn’t do what I told her to. Then she simple said “Eh hindi ko nga alam magsulat ng A. Hindi ko pa nga alam, H lang kaya ko tignan mo! Nahihiya tuloy ako.” Pride! Wahahaha. Sometimes because people knew you’ve been through a lot and you had had worked out things on the past which seemed to be more complicated than what you are having at the moment, they expected you to overcome it without sweat. But it’s not that easy, and you don’t want the world to know and make it through on your own. Until you realized you can not do it alone, and you seek for help. Sometimes people tend to push themselves to their limits even they knew they needed help.

Friends did describe me as a sweet girl ever since the testimonial was trending on Friendster era! HAHAHA. But did you know that I was not the sweetheart in my family as I am with my friends. Even though I grew up like the princess since I was the only girl among the siblings, I was acting boyish before with no sweetbones! And it’s not our thing to kiss your parent or hugs on occasions or whatsoever things. My mom showed her love for me through buy buying what I want. That’s her thing. And because I can’t express the overflowing gift of sweetness towards my family I found friendship as another route for my feelings. And just so I thought I was the sweetest gal on Earth, Yosh proved me wrong. Well, she will kiss your head even you gave your back to her when she did something wrong. She will say that she misses you even you are just less than a day gone. She will pray for you even though you were already asleep. She remembers the one who gave her the gifts even it was given two Christmas ago. She will give you her smile when you are down. She makes her own pick-up lines to make you laugh. She will be herself and make you fall in love. She’s just the sweetest thing to have. Mothers, all of them have the sweetest child!

She taught me about prayer. About faith. About trust. It was in the Bible that you are to enter Heavens if you have a child-like faith. Having Yosh made me understand. This is another story if I elaborate. I cant stop if I start. One thing I will say, I am having the glimpse of how God the Father sees me, cares for me, loves me by having Yosh. You don’t have a choice but to fall deeper and deeper in love with your child. No falling out. No break-ups. You can not turn your backs on them. You recognized their voice and even without words you will know how they feel. There is an invisible line that connects your heart and mind and souls with your children. I am surely in love with Yosh, But I can’t imagine how greater and more awesome the love God has for His children. How the Creator of LOVE itself loves me is beyond my comprehension. Yosh made me fall in love with her, and more in love with my Father.

I learn how to love unconditionally. That’s the greatest lesson Yosh taught me. And I am still on the process. When you have a child, you won’t think about yourself first anymore. You become selfless. Sometimes you have to break down your pride, you will do things you don’t see yourself doing. Other sides of you will appear. You will meet your hidden personality. Sacrificing whatever you keep for yourself for her. What makes her happy will be the priority. You will spend thousands for her when you have double minds to give yourself a penny. Ah basta. Only for her welfare, you are to give everything you have. Without expecting anything in return. Maybe… Father is the best who can love unconditionally. But mothers also give a great job trying to give us a God-like love!

Like what I said earlier, lessons my little one taught me will be endless. Each lesson will be a book if I let myself talk about it. Blah blah blah. I was still almost at the beginning of the line. I haven’t walked afar. And I will learn more things. Things I will probably brag about. I knew I made a mistake, but Yosh is not a mistake. I had done wrong, but I will never look at her as a CONSEQUENCE. This child is too precious to be titled as my KARMA! If she is… SHE IS A GOOD ONE! But no. She is a gift, a reward I was unworthy of having. She is a dream came true, she was both the beautiful splendid star fallen and the wish granted. She is my turning point, the realization I need. She is my better half and no offense to the future someone if ever you are on standby mode. LOL!
I was reborn when I gave birth to this child. Four years… And more years to come!

P.S. This is a tradition I do every year. I want my Yosh to have a glimpse of my thoughts when her special day comes yearly. This is an expression of love I want her to learn from me, like when I grew up with birthday cards my mom left under my pillow every year when I was a kid until secondary school days. But I want you to know that I am not endorsing early pregnancy, as the first part of this story mentioned the hardships and all. Motherhood is more beautiful in its right time. LOVE, too. It is a wonderful experience to become a parent, but it is more of this when you have baby in time you are independent from your own parent’s provision. I mean when you can establish a family of your own. Early pregnancy maybe a normal thing today for many, but I want you… my dear reader to see that thing as Abnormal. HAHAHA. They say experience is the best teacher, but you can also learn from other’s experiences. It is wiser. It is a cheaper ride for a better life. Well, I wish my experiences teach you, without me wishing you to have the same ride that I rode in past. I pray that you make a difference. If the culture says it is okay to show your love in extreme ways since everyone seemed to be doing the same, uh-oh, I want you to break the culture. Despise the rule of THIS life. Take another route. There is so much beauty in its perfect time. When it is ready, when it is right. :D