Our Last Dance

"Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time." - Don Miguel Ruiz

DJ changed the beat. And our steps were off the tempo. Syncopated.  My heart wants to continue our choreo but my legs whispers to go with the music's flow. Time for you to let go of my hands 'coz someone's cutting in and asking you for another chance. She. Who was more deserving. She. Who jived with you lot more than I. She. Who needs more of you. She. Who can show the world a face of who owns her heart.

I love you too. I will love you still. Even the our tune began fading. My body still moves as it does when I am with you. But it will surely stop... Later, tomorrow, in a week, month, whenever. Our floor became rough, too painful to continue. I know you want to bear the pain, to lift me up so my feet can escape the torture. However, that I cannot permit. I gave you all the weight and the wounds will be deeper in your skin. Let's leave the floor, and be healed soon... Move apart from each other. Take a rest. Enjoy yourself with somebody rather.

Our performance was short, and private. It outdoes all the bounces I had before. Without much of an audience, I am thanking that you did your best to please and made me happiest. You can't wait for the moment to show them what we've got, to reveal this clandestine love which was rehearsed long enough to be seen. Oh, I'm sorry, spectators won't be able to catch a glimpse for someone is jumping in.

Having you is like a dream came true. You are my star I never thought of falling and granting a wish of my greatest fantasy! I love you.. How can I not? How can I stop?
But stars were meant to be from afar. They have to be up in the sky, shining brightly, giving light for someone in the dark. It was clever of me to kill the distance--suicide. You were just too hot to touch. (HAHA!) So you decided to fall for me instead, but a fallen star was a dead star hitting the ground. You and I can't be together. If we persist, we will end up killing each other! :-D

I love you. I love you. I love only you.
Forgive me. I have to go. Although forever I will carry a part of you with me. And forever I will have this desire burning in my heart to have you back. I will pray that the DJ of the Heavens shall replay our music in different stage. Without the doubt to welcome our viewers. Without hesitant to grab your hands. Without someone begging for a cut. As the song never stop...
See you again, Sir... <3

F.O.

Part of our past belongs to you, now... BACK OFF and stay where you belong!

I would like to share the worst morning I had in the month of March. Ok… It wasn’t over yet, the ‘Xs’ on my calendar don’t even paint half of it but I am sure that no morning will beat the March 5's nuisance ! It was not really my story to tell. But it is now.

To be cheated by someone you love is bad. To experience it twice to the same bitch is worse. But to see your best friend suffer from the heart ache is unbearable!

If only God will grant the wish to give you her pain, you will beg all the heavens... But I can't, and I was just there... Watching! :-D

A shithead dared to break my precious friend’s heart double time. But like what I told you, it wasn't my story. It will be rude to have it on detail. The "only" thing I can say is… They became lovers, broke up! Because of third party, because he was never FAITHFUL and he will never be, because.. I DON'T REALLY KNOW and who cares now. The thing was, he hurt my best friend. ( And that friend will not give comment on this post! LOL!) TWICE! He cheated once, with his pert, "best friend". The two created their own hell. Suddenly the impudent girl wanted to get out. In need of comfort, the guy came back. Forgiven. Re-accepted! After a while, oooppss he did it again with the same minx! BANG!!!! And now they are sharing the abandoned hell!

Whom your friends' love, you will also love. It's always that with me, and that guy became someone I was close with. I contrived myself to regain the friendship when he was together with my BFF again. But when I can't digest more of his "really sorry" messages, I started bitching him on my FB account until he unfriend me! :-D

From then, we decided to cut everything off about him. No more. And no more! Everything became history.

Then... March 5! He sent me a message on FB! Haist. That egghead gained some guts. I want to reply, say all the curses I know to him. (All = 3!) Really mad. I want to do things to him. I even reserved some of my moves until we bump each others path. Fortunate for him, it was one of the thing fate forbids! I like to respond... But if I do, I'll just give him what he wants, he always want... ATTENTION! I changed my mind, and returned to my plans of behaving. But the moves are still reserved! XD

I have nothing to do with him... Revenge I place to the hand of the Father in  Heaven and pray for this guy. Pray for him to meet the Creator fast. (Kidding.) And just now I am willing to let go of my karate skills! We don't need to effort forgetting him since we are thousands of miles over that. But I have reasons to write this.
(F.O. = 'Ff-Off and Friendship Over)

Dear you,

I wish that there will be no more messages, posts, or whatever to come. You got what you want, you're done showing us your treasured attributes which deserve to be six-feet under the ground! I don't know why you still try to disturb the peace we met when we say goodbye to you, but we want to keep it. We want a life away from you! Stop acting there's nothing happened. We understand that you will never ever feel guilty of the pain you bequeath to someone upon reaching for your own happiness, for what you believed you deserve having. We accepted that you and my friend wasn't for each other. And that's a thing to be thankful of. We loved to believe you are happy now... So the pain you gave was worth of... Nah--Or! At least something good happened out of, err, that! We let you two live having the "reality" you want people to believe in, including yourselves. We gave you the right to draw your own truth. We let you be the protagonists of your stories, and we got all the blames for your mischief.  We never disturb your hell. So pay it backward... STOP! Or else. 

***

"There will always be two versions of the story, theirs and the truth."

Hey Judy! It's Your Birthday.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.
You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

-- Bob Marley

Apparently, these people -- in good and bad ways -- hurt me. There were times we physically inflicted pain. There were these words who sometimes hit below the belt when delivering their clever jokes. There were these random conversations which tickled you bones and held your breathe for long seconds out of laughing out loud. There were those aches of discipline they provided especially when you forgot what you told them on the bending of their hearts. There were this calls in the middle of sleeps, messages of the needy brokenhearted you need to attend. And there were those, who forgot the circle or those who needed to fly afar. But they are worth the malady, they are worth the annoyance for the rest of my life!

One of them... Is celebrating her (month long) birthday. Drum rolls please for my 

"ANGBOO" Judy Ann Torrecampo! 

*cymbals cymbals cymbals*

Happy Birthday Boo!

Wonder why I am featuring you in my blog? Don't be, we deserve a treat! HAHAHAHA! :D

Since elementary days that each other's presence doesn't really matter, then high school days that we began to be part of  the daily routines... (UMAY LOVE), then college days that hunger for our company existed and we battled for time to eat Mang Fred's LUGAW... And until now that we (i, almost) finished studying and began to live with two time lines, we still manage to keep the friendship. As if keeping friendship with you guys was that hard!! HAHAHA!!

I love you and will always do. Even though many things changed as we level up, somethings remained the same. We still share the crazy moments talking randomly about anything. We still love books. We still judge people together. We love food! We love gaining weight EHEM! We love poorjuan as they equally hate us because we can't be with them most of the gatherings. We still knew what number to send messages first when all of a sudden our strengths lost its foundation. We laugh about the stupid people's reasoning. And we can also be those stupid people to laugh at! We love each other's family. And so.. so.. And yeah.. We love things like this.. We can be lesbian just to put smile on our faces!

And of course.. We still support the relationship we have out of the circle..

We love to love the love of your life!

We understand the word "commitment". And we never try to compete with the additional member of the family. That's what I love in "JIJ". Believing that the more the merrier. We never tested this friendship being so demanding of the time, the presence, and being mad of the rearranged priorities. Instead we extend our hearts to reach out for who ever blessed men we love. ;-)

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. Through out all the horrors and suspense we experienced, there will always be a Jho, Ivic, Judy to depend on. More problems please! :D

Forever... I will be thankful for God who stitched our paths. I am thankful for the joy, the companion, for the efforts of delivering jokes... and for listening to Ivic's jokes which is worse. Thank you for the love. All I hope now is for your happiness to be complete. For the success of your night shift job. For the protection against hold-uppers. I also pray for you and Ren, and most specially for your family to be genuinely filled with love. With the little hopes, or even you let go of the chances, I believe that God is able for all the reconciliations. My prayers are with you my boo.

From then, til now.. and longer than forever.. WE WILL LOVE YOU <3

Happy birthday silly! <3

Gamophobic No More!

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
- Jim Morrison 


Time to get out of my pretentious fearless image. Today, I'll make my CONFESSION and let my fear melt on the spotlight! :)

I once was a girl who fell madly, deeply, head over heels in love. I played the role being the first love, the heart breaker, the ultimate crush, the stalker and the mistress. I also experienced a you-and-me-against-all-odds tale. Fought my love over my family, my friends and had an inner battle with the half of myself. I knew back then that I was wrong, yet, I pursued the wilderness because it was not totally the "wilderness" in my mind that time! Had lived out of insanity puppy love. I even made my story a mixture of romance and TRAGEDY! This unhealthy mixture is so common for teenagers who see exciting things by doing dangerous ones! But this is, again, unhealthy! Sometimes, people still dare to continue loving people even though from the start they already saw the unwanted ending of the story. The ending of taking risks of being committed to the unofficial relationships, to others' relationships and to relationships which you had for the sake of having relationship created one of the greatest fear I have now. Fear in loving again! Or if in a relationship, fear in facing the same sad ending I had.

Fear of loving again...

Over thinking the reasons why past links didn't worked out right has left an urging force in me not to have another chapter in my semi-romantic, semi-tragic love book. I was decided back then. I dumped guys who said they love me. The stereotype excuses that I am still waiting, that I wasn't ready for another priority to hand, that I don't deserve someone his type, are given often. One must give a beautiful lie to cover up something loathsome! I did. But who I was fooling aside from myself? :D
To fear love doesn't directly falls under blaming love. It is the fatal combination of my experiences and the worries and the responsibilities and pressures knotted with the desire to love just gone bad! Basta, I'm not pointing my fingers on love for the misfortune in relationships.

Fear of having the same ending...

But I gave love another chance...
A man started to be seriously chasing after my heart. And... after God's heart! He's my Don! (He's means He was... not He is! LOL.) Then... It started and it ended! BOOM! No matter what the reason was, that break up increases the heights of my fear. But I admit that my fear in love after the heartbreak i had in a 5-year relationship played big part on my relationship with Don. I was afraid of rejection too. rejection of his family about my past, belittlement of his ex lover who he technically left after he knew i love him too. Scared for too many things, I created barriers on my world, on our world. Much to my surprise, I acted differently towards him. Conscious as ever of what to say, act, feel when with him. I pretended somehow. I changed my ways, myself because my mind says that it's about me why we ended up wrongly... So if I was changed, there will be difference. And still this fear cling on belt!

This year, many dreams of happily ever after will start another chapter as they walk through the aisle, say their vows, and recite "I DO". Wedding is too mainstream for 2013. 5 weddings ahead. 5 weddings to watch over. 5 couples to share lifetime together. I believed in marriage, in commitment, in forever... Yet, somehow I realized that I don't see myself in the bride's shoes. I laughed at myself when I often cried watching other's wedding without knowing if I shed tears because the vows were too touching or if because I'll never have the courage to risk my life with uncertainty of eternity. Joanna Bernice Sales is too scared to trust herself with someone, too afraid to be happy foreseeing the possible torture of break ups and separations, too protective of her last name! That's her. That's who I was.

But today, upon exposing this truth, I also lay my fears behind with my past. Love is so good, so pure, so positive to mismatch with fears and pain. I am willingly open myself to experience love from the most reliable source of it. I will love again, for He loved me first. I am giving Love my whole heart. I am ready to knot what is left of me to the Eternal Lover of my soul. And to set aside my own will so He may lead me to "man" who will join me to intensify my relationship with Him. I am free to love. I am giving off my bondage to the fear who caged my heart for long. Today, I WILL START TO LOVE YOU LORD. And won't expect to meet break up nor cool off! PERFECT LOVE CAST AWAY ALL FEARS :)