Matters of the Heart

Let this song of Restless Heart gave my heart its escape hole out from my built emotional guard. Since I am keeping myself less sensitive these years for believing it was a right thing, I realized that my front made pretending a habit. Few days ago, a song revived the long gone sentiments and the longing to feel "weak"... HA! So, so-- Here's the lines!

Waking up with my head in a cloud watching the morning come

Another day of the week in a month, in a year, 
in a life that's come undone

I might as well quit trying to get you off my mind

I might as well quit hoping that this heart will heal in time

'Cause I can't burn a bridge that I'm still crossing

And I can't lose a past that I'm still lost in

I can tell myself it's over and I need a brand new start

But there's no such thing as mind over matters of the heart

Everyday there's another attempt to convince myself you're gone

Every night there's a promise I make that tomorrow I'll move on

But there's a voice inside me that calls your name out loud

A part of me still hopes to see your face in every crowd

'Cause I can't burn a bridge that I'm still crossing

And I can't lose a past that I'm still lost in

I can tell myself it's over and I need a brand new start

But there's no such thing as mind over matters of the heart

I can tell myself it's over and I need a brand new start

But there's no such thing as mind over matters of the heart

It's just the feeling, just the feeling that I have. HAHA. It may sounds like someone who failed to move on... Maybe. Or maybe my heart just miss the tenderness and how the little pinch on it reminds that its owner that she was not much of an actress. No matter how her mind try to control over what's the matter of her heart, she can never win. 

What I've learned from HER.

There is no experience like having children… if you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being and learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children. –Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie

When Yosandra Dnysz came into my life, the truth be told, it was not the best experience I had. Not to mention that it was the day when typhoon Ondoy danced back and forth in the country leaving outrageous damages and deaths and many stories/memories of survival. September 26, 2009… still I was too young, too incapable to be a mom, also many would agree that I was still a baby myself. It is not the experience I will be bragging about in friends’ get together. It is a time vacuum thing to have a child. You wanted to go on with your life and make your dream a reality. Oh well, yes you still can but you are definitely not going to have the journey alone. You’ll have the extra baggage, extra effort, extra pushing and all the extras needed for the two of you to survive. Having her is not the best experience… Not YET!

I gave birth to Yosh in the age of 17. HAHAHA! I thought I was ready. I thought everything is going to be fine. And it is an easy task to raise a child since I am always in love with children and I always do some nanny role with others’ children. I realized that it is so different compared when you are to take care of your own child. Taking care of others’ kiddo is just like a JOB TRAINING. You can experience part of having the job, you will know how it feels like to be on the position and you will learn from the things you handle, you need approval for the higher ups for every action you wanna do. But having the job for real is not the same as you were training. You take the full responsibility in your hands. So, it is not easy. Motherhood is never easy.

But despite all my pandemonium complains of having her so early, I won’t wish of losing her now. Nor will I make things different if I can. I will still have her. I will still be a mom for her.

Talk about regrets, I had them. I knew it was not a wise idea to commit with this kind of responsibility at a young age. But regretting is just a waste of time. You won’t change things by thinking the what-ifs in life. If you want change, it is never too late. All may be delayed, but all your wishes will happen if you act to make it happen.

Many things had changed since Yosh came, both good and bad. But if you are thinking that bad things over numbered the good… you’re wrong, it is the other way around.

Did you know how dangerous your life can be if don’t have dreams to pursue? If you’re dreams are not big enough and do not need much of the efforts to fulfill it? If you settle for the things you have because you seemed to be having such an easier life compared to the miserable ones? Before she came, I was that kind of person. I was walking thru a path without a destination. I was contented of being happy with what my parents got for me, without realizing that someday I got to be on my own. Well, maybe I thought of being on my own, yet I was not preparing for it. I was not investing on the right things for the future. I was studying just for the sake of studying. This was a shame for me. Because I didn’t have an idea of what I want for the future me, I don’t care enough to mold a better being nor tried the best to excel for what I was trying to do. Just to get through of the day, without living the fullest and without being proud of what I did. I wasted my years, leaving nothing worth looking back. I had nothing to be proud of. No honors, no achievements, no legacies, just days passed by and luckily… still BREATHING. And for long years, it’s not obvious for anyone that I am living for nothing. It is because I also did not recognize that before. I could write long essays when the occasional “How do you see yourself 10 years from now?” writing entry for school thingy. I could give a beautiful speech if you ask me about it. But it was just empty words from the empty heart and mind. I had nothing because I was too comfortable of my life which my mom had given for me. I never thought it is possible for someone to live without dreaming, but it is. I was like that. I was… until Yosh’s arrival filled fuel for me to achieve something. It happened that I said to myself, “I have to prove myself for this little one.”

Things were not easy, but at least I am giving a damn for everything I took for granted. Tsunamis of adversities touched roughly my core of strength when my mom met her own challenges in health. And my mom was and still is the source of income of the family. So financially beaten my family is. This is the shakiest part of the journey so far. Not because of money, not just that. It deals with my mom’s life where everyone else’s life depends on. But not thinking of that too, I believe a child wants to see her parents in their healthiest state. That’s what we all want for our parents regardless of what they have or don’t have. Their lives are the top priority. You don’t want to lose anyone you love. We almost felt the fear. And indeed, it’s the best horror I don’t wish anyone to go through. Ehy, this is getting long. All I want to say is life threw something which turned our situation from easy to not.

Lessons tripled their impact when you got it from someone you don’t expect. In my case… my little one makes me learn my lessons well. Unknowingly, she is doing a great job. :D

What I’ve learned from Yosh is an endless list. And the mentoring is not yet over… we’re not even far from the beginning.

Troubles came and passed and came back and leave again and return from time to time. They often told that problems do come to make you strong… I don’t know how strong I am now. HAHAHA. But I am not to give in to you, problem. Because I know someone is watching over me when waves tries to crash me. She taught me how to be strong and pretend to be strong!! HAHAHA!! I was caught crying by her one time when I felt like the world threw its weight on my shoulder. Yosh asked me why I was crying. I just smiled and hug her then she cried with me. But she cried her heart out which made me laugh at the end thinking she just stole my moment to emote! So I promise never to share that negative vibes with her ever again. No more stealing. *wink*

And ironically, the one who taught me how to be strong is also he one who showed me that it’s okay to admit you’re weak, that you can’t take the burdens anymore, that you are incapable of doing some things. When you admit your weakness that’s the only way you open doors for some help. I remember the time when I ask her to right the vowels. Which I thought would be very easy to her because she can write “S” effortless. Minutes later, I thought she was done yet nothing was written. Not a single “A”. I asked her, (SHOUTED, hahaha.) why she didn’t do what I told her to. Then she simple said “Eh hindi ko nga alam magsulat ng A. Hindi ko pa nga alam, H lang kaya ko tignan mo! Nahihiya tuloy ako.” Pride! Wahahaha. Sometimes because people knew you’ve been through a lot and you had had worked out things on the past which seemed to be more complicated than what you are having at the moment, they expected you to overcome it without sweat. But it’s not that easy, and you don’t want the world to know and make it through on your own. Until you realized you can not do it alone, and you seek for help. Sometimes people tend to push themselves to their limits even they knew they needed help.

Friends did describe me as a sweet girl ever since the testimonial was trending on Friendster era! HAHAHA. But did you know that I was not the sweetheart in my family as I am with my friends. Even though I grew up like the princess since I was the only girl among the siblings, I was acting boyish before with no sweetbones! And it’s not our thing to kiss your parent or hugs on occasions or whatsoever things. My mom showed her love for me through buy buying what I want. That’s her thing. And because I can’t express the overflowing gift of sweetness towards my family I found friendship as another route for my feelings. And just so I thought I was the sweetest gal on Earth, Yosh proved me wrong. Well, she will kiss your head even you gave your back to her when she did something wrong. She will say that she misses you even you are just less than a day gone. She will pray for you even though you were already asleep. She remembers the one who gave her the gifts even it was given two Christmas ago. She will give you her smile when you are down. She makes her own pick-up lines to make you laugh. She will be herself and make you fall in love. She’s just the sweetest thing to have. Mothers, all of them have the sweetest child!

She taught me about prayer. About faith. About trust. It was in the Bible that you are to enter Heavens if you have a child-like faith. Having Yosh made me understand. This is another story if I elaborate. I cant stop if I start. One thing I will say, I am having the glimpse of how God the Father sees me, cares for me, loves me by having Yosh. You don’t have a choice but to fall deeper and deeper in love with your child. No falling out. No break-ups. You can not turn your backs on them. You recognized their voice and even without words you will know how they feel. There is an invisible line that connects your heart and mind and souls with your children. I am surely in love with Yosh, But I can’t imagine how greater and more awesome the love God has for His children. How the Creator of LOVE itself loves me is beyond my comprehension. Yosh made me fall in love with her, and more in love with my Father.

I learn how to love unconditionally. That’s the greatest lesson Yosh taught me. And I am still on the process. When you have a child, you won’t think about yourself first anymore. You become selfless. Sometimes you have to break down your pride, you will do things you don’t see yourself doing. Other sides of you will appear. You will meet your hidden personality. Sacrificing whatever you keep for yourself for her. What makes her happy will be the priority. You will spend thousands for her when you have double minds to give yourself a penny. Ah basta. Only for her welfare, you are to give everything you have. Without expecting anything in return. Maybe… Father is the best who can love unconditionally. But mothers also give a great job trying to give us a God-like love!

Like what I said earlier, lessons my little one taught me will be endless. Each lesson will be a book if I let myself talk about it. Blah blah blah. I was still almost at the beginning of the line. I haven’t walked afar. And I will learn more things. Things I will probably brag about. I knew I made a mistake, but Yosh is not a mistake. I had done wrong, but I will never look at her as a CONSEQUENCE. This child is too precious to be titled as my KARMA! If she is… SHE IS A GOOD ONE! But no. She is a gift, a reward I was unworthy of having. She is a dream came true, she was both the beautiful splendid star fallen and the wish granted. She is my turning point, the realization I need. She is my better half and no offense to the future someone if ever you are on standby mode. LOL!

I was reborn when I gave birth to this child. Four years… And more years to come!

P.S. This is a tradition I do every year. I want my Yosh to have a glimpse of my thoughts when her special day comes yearly. This is an expression of love I want her to learn from me, like when I grew up with birthday cards my mom left under my pillow every year when I was a kid until secondary school days. But I want you to know that I am not endorsing early pregnancy, as the first part of this story mentioned the hardships and all. Motherhood is more beautiful in its right time. LOVE, too. It is a wonderful experience to become a parent, but it is more of this when you have baby in time you are independent from your own parent’s provision. I mean when you can establish a family of your own. Early pregnancy maybe a normal thing today for many, but I want you… my dear reader to see that thing as Abnormal. HAHAHA. They say experience is the best teacher, but you can also learn from other’s experiences. It is wiser. It is a cheaper ride for a better life. Well, I wish my experiences teach you, without me wishing you to have the same ride that I rode in past. I pray that you make a difference. If the culture says it is okay to show your love in extreme ways since everyone seemed to be doing the same, uh-oh, I want you to break the culture. Despise the rule of THIS life. Take another route. There is so much beauty in its perfect time. When it is ready, when it is right. :D

Our Last Dance

"Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time." - Don Miguel Ruiz

DJ changed the beat. And our steps were off the tempo. Syncopated.  My heart wants to continue our choreo but my legs whispers to go with the music's flow. Time for you to let go of my hands 'coz someone's cutting in and asking you for another chance. She. Who was more deserving. She. Who jived with you lot more than I. She. Who needs more of you. She. Who can show the world a face of who owns her heart.

I love you too. I will love you still. Even the our tune began fading. My body still moves as it does when I am with you. But it will surely stop... Later, tomorrow, in a week, month, whenever. Our floor became rough, too painful to continue. I know you want to bear the pain, to lift me up so my feet can escape the torture. However, that I cannot permit. I gave you all the weight and the wounds will be deeper in your skin. Let's leave the floor, and be healed soon... Move apart from each other. Take a rest. Enjoy yourself with somebody rather.

Our performance was short, and private. It outdoes all the bounces I had before. Without much of an audience, I am thanking that you did your best to please and made me happiest. You can't wait for the moment to show them what we've got, to reveal this clandestine love which was rehearsed long enough to be seen. Oh, I'm sorry, spectators won't be able to catch a glimpse for someone is jumping in.

Having you is like a dream came true. You are my star I never thought of falling and granting a wish of my greatest fantasy! I love you.. How can I not? How can I stop?
But stars were meant to be from afar. They have to be up in the sky, shining brightly, giving light for someone in the dark. It was clever of me to kill the distance--suicide. You were just too hot to touch. (HAHA!) So you decided to fall for me instead, but a fallen star was a dead star hitting the ground. You and I can't be together. If we persist, we will end up killing each other! :-D

I love you. I love you. I love only you.
Forgive me. I have to go. Although forever I will carry a part of you with me. And forever I will have this desire burning in my heart to have you back. I will pray that the DJ of the Heavens shall replay our music in different stage. Without the doubt to welcome our viewers. Without hesitant to grab your hands. Without someone begging for a cut. As the song never stop...
See you again, Sir... <3

F.O.

Part of our past belongs to you, now... BACK OFF and stay where you belong!

I would like to share the worst morning I had in the month of March. Ok… It wasn’t over yet, the ‘Xs’ on my calendar don’t even paint half of it but I am sure that no morning will beat the March 5's nuisance ! It was not really my story to tell. But it is now.

To be cheated by someone you love is bad. To experience it twice to the same bitch is worse. But to see your best friend suffer from the heart ache is unbearable!

If only God will grant the wish to give you her pain, you will beg all the heavens... But I can't, and I was just there... Watching! :-D

A shithead dared to break my precious friend’s heart double time. But like what I told you, it wasn't my story. It will be rude to have it on detail. The "only" thing I can say is… They became lovers, broke up! Because of third party, because he was never FAITHFUL and he will never be, because.. I DON'T REALLY KNOW and who cares now. The thing was, he hurt my best friend. ( And that friend will not give comment on this post! LOL!) TWICE! He cheated once, with his pert, "best friend". The two created their own hell. Suddenly the impudent girl wanted to get out. In need of comfort, the guy came back. Forgiven. Re-accepted! After a while, oooppss he did it again with the same minx! BANG!!!! And now they are sharing the abandoned hell!

Whom your friends' love, you will also love. It's always that with me, and that guy became someone I was close with. I contrived myself to regain the friendship when he was together with my BFF again. But when I can't digest more of his "really sorry" messages, I started bitching him on my FB account until he unfriend me! :-D

From then, we decided to cut everything off about him. No more. And no more! Everything became history.

Then... March 5! He sent me a message on FB! Haist. That egghead gained some guts. I want to reply, say all the curses I know to him. (All = 3!) Really mad. I want to do things to him. I even reserved some of my moves until we bump each others path. Fortunate for him, it was one of the thing fate forbids! I like to respond... But if I do, I'll just give him what he wants, he always want... ATTENTION! I changed my mind, and returned to my plans of behaving. But the moves are still reserved! XD

I have nothing to do with him... Revenge I place to the hand of the Father in  Heaven and pray for this guy. Pray for him to meet the Creator fast. (Kidding.) And just now I am willing to let go of my karate skills! We don't need to effort forgetting him since we are thousands of miles over that. But I have reasons to write this.
(F.O. = 'Ff-Off and Friendship Over)

Dear you,

I wish that there will be no more messages, posts, or whatever to come. You got what you want, you're done showing us your treasured attributes which deserve to be six-feet under the ground! I don't know why you still try to disturb the peace we met when we say goodbye to you, but we want to keep it. We want a life away from you! Stop acting there's nothing happened. We understand that you will never ever feel guilty of the pain you bequeath to someone upon reaching for your own happiness, for what you believed you deserve having. We accepted that you and my friend wasn't for each other. And that's a thing to be thankful of. We loved to believe you are happy now... So the pain you gave was worth of... Nah--Or! At least something good happened out of, err, that! We let you two live having the "reality" you want people to believe in, including yourselves. We gave you the right to draw your own truth. We let you be the protagonists of your stories, and we got all the blames for your mischief.  We never disturb your hell. So pay it backward... STOP! Or else. 

***

"There will always be two versions of the story, theirs and the truth."

Hey Judy! It's Your Birthday.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.
You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

-- Bob Marley

Apparently, these people -- in good and bad ways -- hurt me. There were times we physically inflicted pain. There were these words who sometimes hit below the belt when delivering their clever jokes. There were these random conversations which tickled you bones and held your breathe for long seconds out of laughing out loud. There were those aches of discipline they provided especially when you forgot what you told them on the bending of their hearts. There were this calls in the middle of sleeps, messages of the needy brokenhearted you need to attend. And there were those, who forgot the circle or those who needed to fly afar. But they are worth the malady, they are worth the annoyance for the rest of my life!

One of them... Is celebrating her (month long) birthday. Drum rolls please for my 

"ANGBOO" Judy Ann Torrecampo! 

*cymbals cymbals cymbals*

Happy Birthday Boo!

Wonder why I am featuring you in my blog? Don't be, we deserve a treat! HAHAHAHA! :D

Since elementary days that each other's presence doesn't really matter, then high school days that we began to be part of  the daily routines... (UMAY LOVE), then college days that hunger for our company existed and we battled for time to eat Mang Fred's LUGAW... And until now that we (i, almost) finished studying and began to live with two time lines, we still manage to keep the friendship. As if keeping friendship with you guys was that hard!! HAHAHA!!

I love you and will always do. Even though many things changed as we level up, somethings remained the same. We still share the crazy moments talking randomly about anything. We still love books. We still judge people together. We love food! We love gaining weight EHEM! We love poorjuan as they equally hate us because we can't be with them most of the gatherings. We still knew what number to send messages first when all of a sudden our strengths lost its foundation. We laugh about the stupid people's reasoning. And we can also be those stupid people to laugh at! We love each other's family. And so.. so.. And yeah.. We love things like this.. We can be lesbian just to put smile on our faces!

And of course.. We still support the relationship we have out of the circle..

We love to love the love of your life!

We understand the word "commitment". And we never try to compete with the additional member of the family. That's what I love in "JIJ". Believing that the more the merrier. We never tested this friendship being so demanding of the time, the presence, and being mad of the rearranged priorities. Instead we extend our hearts to reach out for who ever blessed men we love. ;-)

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. Through out all the horrors and suspense we experienced, there will always be a Jho, Ivic, Judy to depend on. More problems please! :D

Forever... I will be thankful for God who stitched our paths. I am thankful for the joy, the companion, for the efforts of delivering jokes... and for listening to Ivic's jokes which is worse. Thank you for the love. All I hope now is for your happiness to be complete. For the success of your night shift job. For the protection against hold-uppers. I also pray for you and Ren, and most specially for your family to be genuinely filled with love. With the little hopes, or even you let go of the chances, I believe that God is able for all the reconciliations. My prayers are with you my boo.

From then, til now.. and longer than forever.. WE WILL LOVE YOU <3

Happy birthday silly! <3

Gamophobic No More!

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
- Jim Morrison 


Time to get out of my pretentious fearless image. Today, I'll make my CONFESSION and let my fear melt on the spotlight! :)

I once was a girl who fell madly, deeply, head over heels in love. I played the role being the first love, the heart breaker, the ultimate crush, the stalker and the mistress. I also experienced a you-and-me-against-all-odds tale. Fought my love over my family, my friends and had an inner battle with the half of myself. I knew back then that I was wrong, yet, I pursued the wilderness because it was not totally the "wilderness" in my mind that time! Had lived out of insanity puppy love. I even made my story a mixture of romance and TRAGEDY! This unhealthy mixture is so common for teenagers who see exciting things by doing dangerous ones! But this is, again, unhealthy! Sometimes, people still dare to continue loving people even though from the start they already saw the unwanted ending of the story. The ending of taking risks of being committed to the unofficial relationships, to others' relationships and to relationships which you had for the sake of having relationship created one of the greatest fear I have now. Fear in loving again! Or if in a relationship, fear in facing the same sad ending I had.

Fear of loving again...

Over thinking the reasons why past links didn't worked out right has left an urging force in me not to have another chapter in my semi-romantic, semi-tragic love book. I was decided back then. I dumped guys who said they love me. The stereotype excuses that I am still waiting, that I wasn't ready for another priority to hand, that I don't deserve someone his type, are given often. One must give a beautiful lie to cover up something loathsome! I did. But who I was fooling aside from myself? :D
To fear love doesn't directly falls under blaming love. It is the fatal combination of my experiences and the worries and the responsibilities and pressures knotted with the desire to love just gone bad! Basta, I'm not pointing my fingers on love for the misfortune in relationships.

Fear of having the same ending...

But I gave love another chance...
A man started to be seriously chasing after my heart. And... after God's heart! He's my Don! (He's means He was... not He is! LOL.) Then... It started and it ended! BOOM! No matter what the reason was, that break up increases the heights of my fear. But I admit that my fear in love after the heartbreak i had in a 5-year relationship played big part on my relationship with Don. I was afraid of rejection too. rejection of his family about my past, belittlement of his ex lover who he technically left after he knew i love him too. Scared for too many things, I created barriers on my world, on our world. Much to my surprise, I acted differently towards him. Conscious as ever of what to say, act, feel when with him. I pretended somehow. I changed my ways, myself because my mind says that it's about me why we ended up wrongly... So if I was changed, there will be difference. And still this fear cling on belt!

This year, many dreams of happily ever after will start another chapter as they walk through the aisle, say their vows, and recite "I DO". Wedding is too mainstream for 2013. 5 weddings ahead. 5 weddings to watch over. 5 couples to share lifetime together. I believed in marriage, in commitment, in forever... Yet, somehow I realized that I don't see myself in the bride's shoes. I laughed at myself when I often cried watching other's wedding without knowing if I shed tears because the vows were too touching or if because I'll never have the courage to risk my life with uncertainty of eternity. Joanna Bernice Sales is too scared to trust herself with someone, too afraid to be happy foreseeing the possible torture of break ups and separations, too protective of her last name! That's her. That's who I was.

But today, upon exposing this truth, I also lay my fears behind with my past. Love is so good, so pure, so positive to mismatch with fears and pain. I am willingly open myself to experience love from the most reliable source of it. I will love again, for He loved me first. I am giving Love my whole heart. I am ready to knot what is left of me to the Eternal Lover of my soul. And to set aside my own will so He may lead me to "man" who will join me to intensify my relationship with Him. I am free to love. I am giving off my bondage to the fear who caged my heart for long. Today, I WILL START TO LOVE YOU LORD. And won't expect to meet break up nor cool off! PERFECT LOVE CAST AWAY ALL FEARS :) 

BLOG TO REVIVE!

And I am back. I lost my followers but i can't blame them for leaving me. *Sob sob* Seemed like eons had passed before I catch time to write again. This blog shall be revived. Shall be born again. Shall display who I am today, who I was before and who I'll be on the future. Second life for the "Pseudo-Blogger".

Thesis writing threw a great fight on me. I am sorry for myself to overfed my mind with the academic papers and less to zero for the pleasure writing. Anyway, VACATION is coming. I am looking forward to record and share all the experiences that awaits me. And hey, my page will have new face. New mind and heart. More of JESUS, less of me. I am excited.

To my followers who did not omit me or forgot to, THANK YOU! And let's see how this connection grows. :D