There is no experience like having children… if you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being and learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children. –Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie
When Yosandra Dnysz came into my
life, the truth be told, it was not the best experience I had. Not to mention
that it was the day when typhoon Ondoy danced back and forth in the country
leaving outrageous damages and deaths and many stories/memories of survival. September
26, 2009… still I was too young, too incapable to be a mom, also many would
agree that I was still a baby myself. It is not the experience I will be
bragging about in friends’ get together. It is a time vacuum thing to have a
child. You wanted to go on with your life and make your dream a reality. Oh
well, yes you still can but you are definitely not going to have the journey
alone. You’ll have the extra baggage, extra effort, extra pushing and all the
extras needed for the two of you to survive. Having her is not the best
experience… Not YET!
I gave birth to Yosh in the age
of 17. HAHAHA! I thought I was ready. I thought everything is going to be fine.
And it is an easy task to raise a child since I am always in love with children
and I always do some nanny role with others’ children. I realized that it is so
different compared when you are to take care of your own child. Taking care of
others’ kiddo is just like a JOB TRAINING. You can experience part of having
the job, you will know how it feels like to be on the position and you will
learn from the things you handle, you need approval for the higher ups for
every action you wanna do. But having the job for real is not the same as you
were training. You take the full responsibility in your hands. So, it is not
easy. Motherhood is never easy.
But despite all my pandemonium
complains of having her so early, I won’t wish of losing her now. Nor will I
make things different if I can. I will still have her. I will still be a mom
for her.
Talk about regrets, I had them. I
knew it was not a wise idea to commit with this kind of responsibility at a
young age. But regretting is just a waste of time. You won’t change things by
thinking the what-ifs in life. If you want change, it is never too late. All
may be delayed, but all your wishes will happen if you act to make it happen.
Many things had changed since
Yosh came, both good and bad. But if you are thinking that bad things over
numbered the good… you’re wrong, it is the other way around.
Did you know how dangerous your
life can be if don’t have dreams to pursue? If you’re dreams are not big enough
and do not need much of the efforts to fulfill it? If you settle for the things
you have because you seemed to be having such an easier life compared to the
miserable ones? Before she came, I was that kind of person. I was walking thru
a path without a destination. I was contented of being happy with what my
parents got for me, without realizing that someday I got to be on my own. Well,
maybe I thought of being on my own, yet I was not preparing for it. I was not
investing on the right things for the future. I was studying just for the sake
of studying. This was a shame for me. Because I didn’t have an idea of what I
want for the future me, I don’t care enough to mold a better being nor tried
the best to excel for what I was trying to do. Just to get through of the day,
without living the fullest and without being proud of what I did. I wasted my
years, leaving nothing worth looking back. I had nothing to be proud of. No
honors, no achievements, no legacies, just days passed by and luckily… still
BREATHING. And for long years, it’s not obvious for anyone that I am living for
nothing. It is because I also did not recognize that before. I could write long
essays when the occasional “How do you see yourself 10 years from now?” writing
entry for school thingy. I could give a beautiful speech if you ask me about
it. But it was just empty words from the empty heart and mind. I had nothing
because I was too comfortable of my life which my mom had given for me. I never
thought it is possible for someone to live without dreaming, but it is. I was
like that. I was… until Yosh’s arrival filled fuel for me to achieve something.
It happened that I said to myself, “I have to prove myself for this little
one.”
Things were not easy, but at
least I am giving a damn for everything I took for granted. Tsunamis of
adversities touched roughly my core of strength when my mom met her own
challenges in health. And my mom was and still is the source of income of the
family. So financially beaten my family is. This is the shakiest part of the
journey so far. Not because of money, not just that. It deals with my mom’s
life where everyone else’s life depends on. But not thinking of that too, I
believe a child wants to see her parents in their healthiest state. That’s what
we all want for our parents regardless of what they have or don’t have. Their
lives are the top priority. You don’t want to lose anyone you love. We almost
felt the fear. And indeed, it’s the best horror I don’t wish anyone to go
through. Ehy, this is getting long. All I want to say is life threw something
which turned our situation from easy to not.
Lessons tripled their impact when
you got it from someone you don’t expect. In my case… my little one makes me
learn my lessons well. Unknowingly, she is doing a great job. :D
What I’ve learned from Yosh is an
endless list. And the mentoring is not yet over… we’re not even far from the
beginning.
Troubles came and passed and came
back and leave again and return from time to time. They often told that
problems do come to make you strong… I don’t know how strong I am now. HAHAHA. But
I am not to give in to you, problem. Because I know someone is watching over me
when waves tries to crash me. She taught me how to be strong and pretend to be
strong!! HAHAHA!! I was caught crying by her one time when I felt like the
world threw its weight on my shoulder. Yosh asked me why I was crying. I just
smiled and hug her then she cried with me. But she cried her heart out which
made me laugh at the end thinking she just stole my moment to emote! So I
promise never to share that negative vibes with her ever again. No more
stealing. *wink*
And ironically, the one who
taught me how to be strong is also he one who showed me that it’s okay to admit
you’re weak, that you can’t take the burdens anymore, that you are incapable of
doing some things. When you admit your weakness that’s the only way you open
doors for some help. I remember the time when I ask her to right the vowels.
Which I thought would be very easy to her because she can write “S” effortless.
Minutes later, I thought she was done yet nothing was written. Not a single
“A”. I asked her, (SHOUTED, hahaha.) why she didn’t do what I told her to. Then
she simple said “Eh hindi ko nga alam magsulat ng A. Hindi ko pa nga alam, H
lang kaya ko tignan mo! Nahihiya tuloy ako.” Pride! Wahahaha. Sometimes because
people knew you’ve been through a lot and you had had worked out things on the
past which seemed to be more complicated than what you are having at the
moment, they expected you to overcome it without sweat. But it’s not that easy,
and you don’t want the world to know and make it through on your own. Until you
realized you can not do it alone, and you seek for help. Sometimes people tend
to push themselves to their limits even they knew they needed help.
Friends did describe me as a
sweet girl ever since the testimonial was trending on Friendster era! HAHAHA.
But did you know that I was not the sweetheart in my family as I am with my
friends. Even though I grew up like the princess since I was the only girl
among the siblings, I was acting boyish before with no sweetbones! And it’s not
our thing to kiss your parent or hugs on occasions or whatsoever things. My mom
showed her love for me through buy buying what I want. That’s her thing. And
because I can’t express the overflowing gift of sweetness towards my family I
found friendship as another route for my feelings. And just so I thought I was
the sweetest gal on Earth, Yosh proved me wrong. Well, she will kiss your head
even you gave your back to her when she did something wrong. She will say that
she misses you even you are just less than a day gone. She will pray for you
even though you were already asleep. She remembers the one who gave her the
gifts even it was given two Christmas ago. She will give you her smile when you
are down. She makes her own pick-up lines to make you laugh. She will be
herself and make you fall in love. She’s just the sweetest thing to have.
Mothers, all of them have the sweetest child!
She taught me about prayer. About
faith. About trust. It was in the Bible that you are to enter Heavens if you
have a child-like faith. Having Yosh made me understand. This is another story
if I elaborate. I cant stop if I start. One thing I will say, I am having the
glimpse of how God the Father sees me, cares for me, loves me by having Yosh.
You don’t have a choice but to fall deeper and deeper in love with your child.
No falling out. No break-ups. You can not turn your backs on them. You
recognized their voice and even without words you will know how they feel.
There is an invisible line that connects your heart and mind and souls with
your children. I am surely in love with Yosh, But I can’t imagine how greater
and more awesome the love God has for His children. How the Creator of LOVE
itself loves me is beyond my comprehension. Yosh made me fall in love with her,
and more in love with my Father.
I learn how to love
unconditionally. That’s the greatest lesson Yosh taught me. And I am still on
the process. When you have a child, you won’t think about yourself first anymore.
You become selfless. Sometimes you have to break down your pride, you will do
things you don’t see yourself doing. Other sides of you will appear. You will
meet your hidden personality. Sacrificing whatever you keep for yourself for
her. What makes her happy will be the priority. You will spend thousands for
her when you have double minds to give yourself a penny. Ah basta. Only for her
welfare, you are to give everything you have. Without expecting anything in
return. Maybe… Father is the best who can love unconditionally. But mothers
also give a great job trying to give us a God-like love!
Like what I said earlier, lessons
my little one taught me will be endless. Each lesson will be a book if I let
myself talk about it. Blah blah blah. I was still almost at the beginning of
the line. I haven’t walked afar. And I will learn more things. Things I will
probably brag about. I knew I made a mistake, but Yosh is not a mistake. I had
done wrong, but I will never look at her as a CONSEQUENCE. This child is too
precious to be titled as my KARMA! If she is… SHE IS A GOOD ONE! But no. She is
a gift, a reward I was unworthy of having. She is a dream came true, she was
both the beautiful splendid star fallen and the wish granted. She is my turning
point, the realization I need. She is my better half and no offense to the
future someone if ever you are on standby mode. LOL!
I was reborn when I gave birth to
this child. Four years… And more years to come!
P.S. This is a tradition I do
every year. I want my Yosh to have a glimpse of my thoughts when her special
day comes yearly. This is an expression of love I want her to learn from me,
like when I grew up with birthday cards my mom left under my pillow every year
when I was a kid until secondary school days. But I want you to know that I am
not endorsing early pregnancy, as the first part of this story mentioned the
hardships and all. Motherhood is more beautiful in its right time. LOVE, too. It
is a wonderful experience to become a parent, but it is more of this when you
have baby in time you are independent from your own parent’s provision. I mean
when you can establish a family of your own. Early pregnancy maybe a normal
thing today for many, but I want you… my dear reader to see that thing as
Abnormal. HAHAHA. They say experience is the best teacher, but you can also
learn from other’s experiences. It is wiser. It is a cheaper ride for a better
life. Well, I wish my experiences teach you, without me wishing you to have the
same ride that I rode in past. I pray that you make a difference. If the culture
says it is okay to show your love in extreme ways since everyone seemed to be
doing the same, uh-oh, I want you to break the culture. Despise the rule of
THIS life. Take another route. There is so much beauty in its perfect time.
When it is ready, when it is right. :D
